dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
