So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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