genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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