This is not my ceiling
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
