Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
