Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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