Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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