my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
