I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
