Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
my liver is dry heaving
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
