i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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