Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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