Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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