I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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