Im at strip club and am horny
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
