Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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