Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
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