Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
