Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
