There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
