If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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