If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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