I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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