My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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