you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
