It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
