Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She bit a glass in half.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
