My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
