Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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