We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she peed on how many people?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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