piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How external is "for external use only"?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
