Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
