he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
