dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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