After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
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But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
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