hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
