Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
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and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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