So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
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she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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