I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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