every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
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I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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