i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
