chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
