bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
