too bad you live with your parents still
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
They are going to name an STD after you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
