Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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