RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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