Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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