so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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