"it" just moved
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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