tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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