i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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