i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
