I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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