I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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