If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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