Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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