Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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